This is the 324934809th time I'm typing this entry because the old ones didn't work after I went back to them. Tbh I feel the need to blog but I have no clue how to…

So i'm just going to be throwing words at you. K.

I used to be and still am pretty big on privacy because to me, it equates to a greater freedom.

Letting go at some points; certain points, is pretty disconcerting but I need to seriously suck it up, man up, and roll ahead. I am only as powerful as I make myself to be after all.

Guess I finally reached the conclusion that it's no excuse not to work on self expression and self confidence under the guise of privacy and not acknowledging that I am somewhat lacking in these areas.

Leaving the stigma behind one piece at a time till imma force to be reckoned with. 💪

All the major upcoming changes to my personal life and work is eating at me. Lemme just pen them down here to tell myself I'll be okay. At work, trends dictate that we have to be reactive. Being a perfectionist, a lot of time is spent planning things to the minute details and having those plans derailed. That's painful. But it's commonplace.

Just gotta take a huge breath and make it work another way. The best results are not necessarily produced with the best efforts. But the best efforts paves the way to producing the best results.

And what do you know, I'm coping better now.

Work matters aside, the thing about my love life- I've always dated for the thrill and the romance and never thought much about long term plans.

And so the elimination process goes: Piercings? Hot. Multiple? Why not. Tattoos? That's lit. Not much money? ... Does it matter? Guess what I'm trying to say is as long as I see something I like, I'd get it. Sorta like shopping for clothes without too much of a budget y'get what i meannnn.

It was all about the romance. C'mon who doesn't like romance? I guess you can safely say I'm terribly nonconforming. I have never actually believed in the notion of love and never said these words to my previous partners.

Because I'm so private, no one really judged or knew much. I never delved into the intricacies or inner workings of any relationship.

Truth is, deep (or not so deep) down, I'm afraid of commitment and anything long term in a relationship. I pretty much developed an aversion to dudes if at the start, they talk about their dream marriage, the number of children they want, or about how romantic growing old together is. 

Imagining myself holding a wedding is scary because I don't fancy having so much fanfare, i'm totally chill with or without children, if with, just one please. and i never want to grow old! (unlike some people i know...)

So it was naturally always flight and not fight for me.

Welp, something changed. Guess I managed to open up to my husband to be (still don't know how he managed😂) and decided to take the leap of faith so sue me and all my preconceived notions about love. I found something more when I wasn't looking and I'm not going to give it up for any personal insecurities i may harbor, but i admit it's going to be a tough journey because the whole long term concept goes against my baser instincts so I'm re-calibrating. To force down the flight and start to fight. 

Looks like I'm a slow bloomer, but I'm glad to be able to feel now rather than never.

I'm another, to put myself out there, vulnerable but with faith against whatever. That's how the greatest things function, dependent and depending. Not everyone understands and not everyone believes. But love can be extraordinary if we so choose it.

Just remind me to keep blogging?

kthnxbye💓