everything that kills me makes me feel alive

oh hello .

been nursing an obsession with reading recently . nothing new since i seem to be always pointedly harboring some current blatant obsession with a certain something or other .
reading combined with other feelings sorts of makes me want to blog .
anyway , disclaimer here that this post is just gonna be a mess of musings and short (didcha miss it ?)

before that though , i think i'm reallly gonna blow a hole in my pocket cuz i have so many costly things i would like to own in terms of gadgets , namely a new camera (either olympus e-pl5 or lumix gf6) , tablet (creative bamboo- medium) , surface or ipad . plus i have yet to read up on them cuz i'm too lazy like so .

tough .

*reminder to self to get a couple of things sorted out before saturday*
 i'll never get it done otherwise , no more stalling . will blog about my gadgets if i do get them :)
(keeping my fingers crossed here)

dropping by to update again soon !


on certain occasions i want nothing more than to be left alone , but on others mostly i seek a sense of want .
i desire to feel a sense of need which tends to translate to me making unexplainable choices or bad decisions to get what i want , which i don't really reflect on nor feel as if it matters because i live my life for the moment and not for the future . i don't normally see things too far ahead . it may be a bad decision or a bad choice in general , but i can't exactly say the same for myself . i deliberately distance myself every single time although it doesn't help that i am charmed because it is normally you constantly reaching out for me and when i reach out you never turn away . it is whimsical ; something i want to keep , it is a constant , never changes and an anchor . things i can rely on are important , however i should know better if i don't want to keep it up forever . which i never intended to , but you never stopped trying , i got weaker and it just happened to flow into the pace of our lives . currently i am sated somewhat so i've stopped and this could be a good time for a half hearted attempt to let go . it's almost funny how i'm seemingly in love with anything dysfunctional .