Hello .
Im not sure how to go about writing this one but I'll do my best . This is just another attempt at a biography of another part of my life :/
Also , since everyone all around are always dealing with their love issues and valentine's day is just around the corner , let's dedicate this post to love eh .

Well , the above was the initial plan , but it turned out too long . I sidetracked , so expect it the next post . Imma tired from all the writing , its a very long post . If you can't stand wordiness , you need out .
Cheers :D

Note:
I find , its easier to develop crushes or love deep when you're younger . No doubt very innocent , kids can get away with virtually anything ; and make friends with virtually anyone .
You just have to use a cute and innocent face and you can get a smile from anyone you want .
Needless to say , i did exploit this a little bit last time :X
after all , i tend to like older guys and this is one method that works like a charm .


Down side , i cant use it anymore .
Because being the smart beings that they are , people naturally assume kids are airheads . Just subconsciously classify them into that category , you are expected to behave in different ways from when you were young .
For me actually , i have understood all along .
And needless to say , being young had another advantage that when you grow up , you lose .
That is , the ability to draw people to you without doing a thing , and that was fine , that was cool . Its a good thing , plus you're not doing anything wrong .


It was at that point in time i found out , people are easy to manipulate . Although sad to say , my means were not that nicely planned , but well enough it got me through .
Ive been through this stage actually . I know how and why people like to deceive others . I know that dropping a sensitive topic that isnt real to talk on will invoke reactions in someone , draw them closer to you in a very cheap way .
But think about this , if those particular conversations never happened , would you be able to get close enough for the other party to even regard as a close friend or a friend at all ?
Nah , just someone that youd probably just say hi and bye to . or not .
This shortcut would outwit someone just wanting to make friends , and never got the chance .
Cant you see the unfairness in it ?

Good people are always the ones that have to go the hard way , and may never reach their destination . Bad ones get there in a jiffy .
I guess , this applies for me .


Doesnt seem to make sense to be true , to be real at all if that was the case right ?
I lived by this principle before , the first few years of my life .
You get a really nice feel doing this as well actually . Turn people against their own , make people work for you . And knowing when to submit . Its all about power and authority . And during this point , i realized that cowardice is one of my greatest flaws .
But as i got older , i stopped . Something changed , but i cant lay a finger on what .
I didnt want fame , rank , to be looked up to , to be the center of the crowd anymore .


I realized perhaps I just wanted to find something real , trying to see whether everyone has a fair place to be . Whether people actually treasure those that are genuine , or superficiality .
Of course , if i asked , eveyone would say genuine .
But being genuine doesnt really work well for me .
If deceit is used right , people around me'd make me feel wanted , needed , appreciated , looked up to . Genuine is low scale .
To live optimally , its up to dirty methods . If not , its more of a lone life .


I guess these are just the 2 sides to myself . But the other is already no longer dominant , no longer here (i think) because i dont feel it anymore . Im not sure of what i am really .
Im not sure if im supposed to be quiet , supposed to be noisy , or supposed to be someone who pulls the strings .
All I know is the people around me make me , or i can make them shape me .
Im not sure if i still have the means , im not sure if ive lost the touch .
Who knows , perhaps one day if im really shaken or drastically upset , the reflex might kick in . To people not within my circle of course . I always have this temptation to try , but im lazy too , im aware a few things are needed , like either a fresh start or planning , concentration .
I am either a very simple person , or a more complicated one .
Right now its everything at face value , what you see is what you get .
For now im just a good person with the short end of the stick , who sometimes teeters the brink of emotions .

It might be to do with the conflicting sides within me , but hey , who doesnt have them ?
I may be just a slightly more extreme case .


Alright , but some others probably face the same problems , and they dont go around ranting about how unfair the world is to them , so i guess i shouldnt either .
I can take it in my stride and try to achieve the best of what i can the way i am , albeit weird moodswings .


Ive pinned some hope to love actually , if love is really as great as they say , as its made up to be , then this person no matter what , would be able to keep giving me love no matter what right ?
Wrong .
I dont think ive found the right person , and i dont see that kind of love existing . The only time i think i do is in people that just broke up who are really sad . But if you really loved the other party so much , how come none of these relationships ive seen ever succeeded . Wasnt the love enough , enough to pull it through , to last it a lifetime ?
Furthermore , a lot of people are chaste , fickle , greedy .
How many put themselves first before others ? Definitely too many .
They cant do with just one , they want many . They dont care about consequences , they just care about themselves . I think Ive been getting more disappointed . No matter where these people come from , they are all the same .
And the one that i carried high hopes on , the one that i harboured thoughts of being together with in the deepest recess of my heart , the one which i wanted to grant me what it took to love a lifetime ; as much as it hurts , let me down too , just like my mind had predicted but my heart refused to wane .

Though ive finally seen the light , i wonder , if i had the chance , would i give up a new love for you ? How can i say youre not worth it , even if my mind tells me that its positive , because youre the best i ever had .
The reason why i would give a shot at love again is because ive finally ascertained with a few reasons that you wont ever be coming back , not anymore .
If this iron wall falls... I can just hope maybe by then itd be fine .



Finally im down to the lighter topic on love life . Told you its quite a read already didnt I :X

To kick off , i am actually the kind of person that after developing a crush , or after loving someone , will most likely still have feelings left for that person that can be rekindled .
So I kind of have a wider range . Perfect . (this is supposed to sound sarcastic if you didnt realize)


So lets leave this to the next post if i still have mood for it eh .
Going off to school soon
( i think . i have this very heavy lazy cloud looming over me that makes me not want to go )
I mean come on , last day of school already , and a 2 hour lecture doesnt seem to justify the effort . But yeah , i need notes .
Somebody tell me to better manage my time so i can study and shop next week .